DEAR Jasminda,

I HAVE a neighbour who parades around his backyard in the nuddy.

He opens his side gate, so I can see him from my kitchen window.

He thinks it’s funny when I tell him I can watch porn on television if I was that way inclined.

What do you suggest I do?

Signed,
Bertha.

Dear Bertha,

What a coincidence.

The day before I received your email, I had a conundrum sent to me from a hard-of-hearing naturist.

He said, “Dear Jasminda, I’m working hard on body acceptance. I enjoy weeding my garden, tending to my magnolia hedge, and replenishing the birdbath wearing nothing more than my Akubra, steel cap boots, and some SPF

50+. I would never have done this while my wife was still alive, but now she’s gone, I feel I can fully embrace the time I have left by soaking up the sun and being one with nature. My problem is, lately I’ve had this nagging feeling that someone is watching me. Recently I’ve had it confirmed. Last week, mid-prune, I swivelled around and caught a glimpse of the woman next door peeking through her kitchen curtains at me. I thought it was just a coincidence, but then, a couple of days later, she yelled out something like, ‘I watch porn on television when I’m reclined.’

I was horrified. I don’t know what to do. Am I living next door to a pervert? I just nervously giggled and strategically covered up my remaining dignity with my pruning shears. Thankfully I’d first put the safety latch on. Who knows what injury could have befallen me. How do I stop this peeping Thomasina?”

What we have here, Bertha, is a simple neighbourly misunderstanding.

Perhaps you could have an over-the-fence conversation.

Explain that you’re not used to people running around starkers.

Tell him it’s hard concentrating on your role decorating cakes for the CWA when he’s cavorting around in his birthday suit.

Maybe you two can come to an arrangement.

In exchange for some freshly-baked scones once a week, your neighbour could agree to set nude gardening hours (a bit like dog off-leash hours) between 10 and 11am and provide you with bunches of freshly-cut magnolias.

What do you think, Bertha?

Sounds like a win-win to me.

It may even develop into a blossoming friendship.

Carpe diem,
Jasminda.