DEAR Jasminda,

WHEN I go out with my friends for dinner, it is always agreed that we will share meals and share costs.

The problem is I’m a very slow eater, I’m vegetarian, and I don’t drink.

I end up paying top dollar for cocktails, bottles of wine, and multiple meat dishes, when all I’ve had is a salad and soda water.

Helena R.

Dear Helena,

Wow, you sound like a lot of fun to be around.

I think it’s impressive that you still get invited out.

Do you scowl across the table and hand send links to greenhouse gas articles as the beef massaman arrives?

Do you hand out Dry July pamphlets and news articles about the importance of mindful chewing?

Going out to dinner is all about participating in the deadly sin of gluttony.

You can’t say you’ve been out to dinner with a group of friends unless you’ve had to undo the top button of your jeans, you’ve sworn off food for a month, you’ve downed an espresso martini even though you’re a tea drinker, and you’ve tried to split a bill when basic calculations have taken on the complexity of quantum physics.

Economically, and for the enjoyment of those around you, I feel as though you need a new friend group.

Perhaps you could put some search terms in social media.

How about the Non-Alcoholic-Fatty-Liver Support and Social group?

Proselytising Vegans on a Budget?

The Mindful Eating and Stress Management Group?

I’m sure a boost in membership from two would make them very happy.

Alternatively, have you considered that you could still have cost parity with some more exciting menu choices?

Salad and Soda Water?

Stop being a martyr.

Spend up big on mocktails, order two mains – the three cheese and mushroom pizza that will give everyone your friends stomach pains and some nachos with chilli guac, which is sure to be a mouth and eye-watering choice.

Then get a couple of desserts and enjoy the looks on your friends’ faces with the interminable wait while you slowly mull over each sparrow-like peck of your food.

I doubt you’ll ever have to suffer from a shared bill again.

Carpe diem,
Jasminda.