DEAR Jasminda,

WE left our cat with friends who live a ten-minute walk away while we went to Europe for six weeks.

When we returned, they told us they’d bonded with the cat and couldn’t bear to part with it. We refused, of course, but now the damn cat keeps running away to their house!

What can we do?

Gerard J.

Oh, Gerard,

I’m firmly on Team Dog when it comes to animals, so I can’t say I’ve had a lot of experience with cats, but I do know they can be aloof and manipulative.

They also don’t mind leaving the headless bodies of rodents or birds at the front door, so they could also be described as psychotic mass murderers.

Not really the sort of company I like to keep.

Your conundrum has highlighted yet another catty trait — they are clearly vindictive.

You’ve swanned off to Europe with the expectation that your cat will be loyally waiting for you, furiously waving its tail as a symbol of love, and slobbering all over your Barcelona-tanned legs. Alas, you’ve been misguided, Gerard, because that’s not the behaviour of a cat.

That’s the behaviour of a dog after you’ve left it for two minutes to collect the mail.

Dogs are great for one’s ego, unlike your philandering feline.

Could you come to some sort of custody arrangement?

Lure it with sardines and catnip?

Lock the front door?

The other thing I know about cats is that they are fickle, so if you’re not prepared to let the cat go, use its traitorous nature to your advantage.

It might stay with you for all the wrong reasons, but you’ll feel better.

Carpe diem,
Jasminda.