DEAR Jasminda,

MY mum said she wants to be buried in her backyard and doesn’t want the fuss of a cemetery burial.

Is this even legal?

Greta P.

Dear Greta,

Do you know what really bothers me, Greta?

The fact that now I have various searches on my laptop pertaining to burying a body in a backyard which are no doubt being intercepted by the Australian Federal Police as I type.

Any minute now there’s going to be a police raid with me yelling ‘but I was just trying to offer advice’ while a German Shepherd named Butch gnaws on my ankle and a cop handcuffs me to the front patio until reinforcements arrive.

In the intervening minutes, I can confirm that you can perform a burial on private land, but there are more conditions than getting a house DA approved including minimum depth levels, landholding requirements, a geotechnical report so your mother’s remains don’t end up seeping into our drinking water, LGA approval, suitable fencing around the plot site, a land survey, and a perpetual site plan, amongst other impediments.

These steps will rely on multiple conversations with government departments.

So many, in fact, that you may find yourself heading to an early grave out of sheer stress and frustration.

Then there’s informing the neighbours (because nothing rings alarm bells more than a neighbour’s child heaving a covered corpse into the ground with Bette Midler’s Wing Beneath My Wings turned up on the Bose sound system).

Perhaps consider a ‘green’ burial in a natural burial park if your mum doesn’t like the aesthetics of a cemetery (and who would?).

My personal hope is that one day all of us will be buried in pods that grow into trees so you can visit your loved one in a lush, shaded park instead of a forlorn concrete space.

Carpe diem,
Jasminda.