DEAR Jasminda,

I was recently told I look good for my age.

On reflection, I don’t think this is a compliment, but an insult.

How should I have responded?

Helen G.

Ah, the old backhanded compliment.

A bit like the backhand return in table tennis, it can put you off guard and it is only later, on reflection, that you have the time to think of the perfect way to deal with it.

It is hard to know whether people who give backhanded compliments are being genuine and are actually unaware of their faux pas, or if they are just plain cruel.

A bit like real estate ads, there’s usually always a hidden meaning.

So, if someone says ‘You look great for your age’ at the very least it’s ageism, but it also seems to say, ‘I can’t believe someone as old as you looks so good’ and that’s not a great thing to hear.

If you hear: ‘Wow, you’re so confident. I’d never be game to wear that,’ they probably mean, ‘Do you really think you can get away with that outfit?’.

How about: ‘I almost didn’t recognise you’.

Which suggests; ‘You normally look terrible.’
Or: ‘You look like I feel,’ which translates to ‘I feel really dodgy.’

Or: ‘Every time you wear that dress it looks amazing.’

Which probably means: ‘You’re wearing that again!’

Maybe you could just reply with the oft-used but still punchy ‘Wisdom has been chasing you, but I see you are faster’ and you will probably never receive another compliment from this person, backhanded or otherwise.

Carpe diem, Jasminda.