DEAR Jasminda,

It has come to my attention that the government is planning to take away yet another one of my constitutional rights – the plastic straw.

They have already banned the plastic bag, taken away the right to have a smoke at the pub but this….it’s the last straw.

How am I supposed to put my rubbish out and enjoy a drink anymore?

Yours in great frustration,

Ms N.F-P

 

Dear Ms N.F-P

Let me start by making a clarification about my response.

There is an exemption in place for people who need to use plastic straws due to disability or for other medical reasons, and this response does not in any way apply to them.

We know that isn’t the case here, though, don’t we, Ms N.F-P.

We know that, because you’ve mentioned ‘constitutional rights’ in your first sentence. People who mention constitutional rights in their topic sentence are a select group of individuals – arrogant and demanding beyond the scope of what is normal.

Your three gripes (banned plastic bags, banned smoking in pubs and the November 1 NSW ban on plastic straws) have one thing in common – YOU.

What you are really saying is:

Why can’t I be given free single-use plastic bags even though they eventually break up and make their way into the environment so wildlife can ingest and then choke on the remnants of my convenience?

Why can’t I blow smoke (from the cigarette I’ll end up flicking into a drain) so it can be passively inhaled by others (after which the butt will start its journey, merrily leaching toxic chemicals until it is eventually swallowed by Nemo)?

And, finally, why can’t I sip my Bacardi Breezer through a plastic straw as I wheel my recycle bin (no doubt contaminated by greasy pizza boxes, the entire contents of a beanbag, used tissues, and dog poo) to the verge?

Do you want me to have to deal with a mouth full of paper mache?

Do you want me to trip over a rock and end up with a metal straw lodged in my trachea?

And though that is a tempting vision, Ms N.F-P, it would be wise for you to refrain from drinking while wheeling your bin.

When you are in a safe location, simply sip through a high-quality reusable straw (you could perhaps consider a bamboo straw, or even one made of pasta).

Or you could drink straight from the bottle, as I plan to do as soon as I’ve signed off from your self-entitled conundrum.

Carpe diem, Jasminda.