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Dear Jasminda,

By pure coincidence, I spotted my vegan friend eating a Big Mac in the car park at Salamander. She is always going on about healthy living and animal cruelty. I’m tempted to call her out on this one. What do you think?

Mrs HN, Fingal Bay

Dear Mrs HN,

What an impressive piece of private investigating you have achieved. I can see you now, hiding in the bushes, your binoculars in one hand and your tape recorder in the other, like some modern-day Clarice Starling from Silence of the Lambs.

Or was it at night, with your night-vision goggles, a baton strapped to your belt and a pair of handcuffs in order to immobilise your victim while you dragged a confession out of her?

The conversation would go something like this:

“Miriam, tell me the truth; is all that multicolour quinoa salad with a side of lentil patties just a front for your true, carnivorous habits?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Look, Miriam, I’m gonna make things real easy on you.” (Add an American accent at this point; it will make the scene more impressive).

“It was a veggie burger. Honest.”

“Ha, likely story. Well, I’ll tell you what we’re gonna do, Miriam. We’re gonna take you on down to the station and do some swabbing.” (Act like there’s two of you; it will make her feel insecure, and more likely to confess).

“I’m on my way home. You’re scaring me.”

“Mim. Can I call you that? Mim, there’s nothing to be afraid of, if you’re telling the truth. Are you, Mim? Are you telling the truth?”

Thank goodness we have people like you in this world, Mrs HN, busy making citizen’s arrests on the poor hapless residents of downtown Salamander, with their low iron levels and occasional lapses in judgement. It will put less pressure on our real law enforcers so they can crack down on the ice-addicted burglars, white collar fraudsters, and P-platers who seem to think they can negotiate roundabouts while sexting. You go, girl!